Thank God I didn't lose my mind
Up until late 2023, I never truly encountered solitude. My days were filled with the hum of companionship, whether it was spending time with roommates, mingling with acquaintances I barely felt connected to, or even going out in search of fleeting interactions. It felt natural, even essential, to always be surrounded by others. But looking back, I realize now that this constant buzz wasnât just a lifestyle; it was a form of escapism. Like a noisy radio drowning out the static of my own thoughts, I had been using external stimulation to quiet the inner noise.
I told myself I was sociable, extroverted, and fueled by human connection, and to some degree, that was true. But thereâs a subtle difference between genuinely loving social interaction and craving it to fill a void. I didnât see that line until late 2023, when the pieces of my life unexpectedly shifted. My interests waned, my distractions evaporated, and I was left with a stillness I couldnât ignore. For the first time, I came face to face with an unsettling truth: I wasnât the vibrant social butterfly I had believed myself to be. I was someone who didnât know how to sit comfortably in their own company.
Being alone wasnât just quiet; it was unnervingly loud. The silence seemed to echo with questions I had long avoided: Why does this feel so unbearable? What is it about being alone that paralyzes me, leaves me restless, uncomfortable, even uneasy? It was as though solitude held up a mirror, forcing me to confront parts of myself I had buried beneath the noise of others. Was my discomfort a sign that I had neglected something within? Or was it simply the unfamiliarity of a stillness Iâd never allowed myself to experience? These thoughts swirled endlessly, and I realized that being alone wasnât just a state, it was a challenge.
As I sit here, in my cozy little room in Bordeaux, France, nearly two years later, solitude is no longer a challenge, itâs a luxury I could never give away. The path was clear: either sit in silence and face the chaos, discovering each unsettling thoughtâs root cause until it lost its grip on me, or remain trapped in an endless loop of distractions. The latter meant entertaining hollow connections, chasing external validation, and attempting to answer internal questions with external means. Now, I get to choose my people from a place of genuine love and appreciation for the value they bring into my life, rather than out of lack or necessityâno longer using them as a way to silence that restless radio in my mind.
I urge you never to take crippling mental pain and unease for granted. Donât push it down or try to escape it, because burying it will only defer the pain to an unknown future, robbing you of the chance to truly understand yourself. Avoiding it keeps you trapped in a superficial world where your choices are dictated by, âWhat can make me feel whole?â when the real question should be, âWhat can complement my already whole, complete, and self-sufficient being?â
Bye bye